Final mark in Econ: C-
Not so hot, but done is done and passed is not failed so I am ok. I needed a 67 on the final in order to have my midterm mark ignored. I made a 65.5 on the final. Figures. In any case, this is behind me and that is all that matters.
Sold a couple of books for a little coin, which is awesome.
Last night I ate at Bearly's with Rachael - we haven't seen each other since the end of July when we were in the Cove. It was fun and the food was (of course) deeeelish. Then we headed up to stage 9 for a cocktail; Hurtin' Unit Dan had mentioned that he & Tamara were having a little shindig - a goodbye party - I didn't know they were going anywhere. I appreciated the invite and figured the least I could do would be to stop by for a drink on a lovely summer eve. We didn't stay long, just a swiftie, but it was a nice night and the gin was tasty.
Rob is having a party tonight for all the ASS people. It's the 3rd one of the summer. I was at the first one, skipped the second one, and have sort of roped myself into going to this one, although I'm not really that into it. Apparently I'll be chaperoning a 50+ year old co-worker who by her own admission doesn't "drink or smoke pot, but i really need to socialize". I hope she is not planning to crash here, because I was really only planning to put in an appearance (and hadn't even fully made up my mind about that).
Neighborhood Hottie is great eye candy and I don't mind when he comes into the store because I have a few minutes of superficial bliss but whenever I run into him "on the street", my heart starts to thumping in my throat and I have the sudden urge to study the pavement cracks or ceiling tiles... after running into him in Larry's kitchen last week I felt like a junior high kid, and last night when he walked by us as we noshed on Barrington, I knew it was him before I saw his face and he seemed to walk by in slow motion, his usual friendly & smiling self full of good wishes. Me just full of bashful embarrassment. It is just a mundane crush, going nowhere and I know it. But he does make my knees quiver. Yes, even when I am sitting down.
I've always been good with people. This is kind of weird, given that I am prone to some pretty intense social anxiety. But generally speaking, I can disarm the assholes and find common ground with people. I've been a firm believer in instinct and chemistry for a long long time. In grade 8, I rated DT 9/10 on looks & personality even though I had only seen him from a distance and spoken to him never. When we finally locked lips three years later, imagine my surprise when those grade 8 ratings held up and we became an item.
I had a tough time (understatement of the modern world) dealing with the demise of my last relationship. My ego suffered one too many blows and my self reliance was extinguished. I picked apart every conversation and encounter to examine how I could have been so wrong. In hindsight I am full of wisdom. I like to think that in similar circumstances today, I would choose a different path.
The one thing I have not learned from that (or maybe not accepted) is the whole issue of trusting my own judgment about people. Or perhaps, maybe, my ability to accurately assess my interactions with people. I have always taken my gut feelings for granted and at par. I believe that's what got me into trouble last time; not admitting I may have been a little off the mark (even today I am still not sure that I was). But if I
was, how do I plunder on with any sense of trust about my gut feelings? It seems like my gut is somewhat off the mark.
What I am trying to say here (even though I said I would not speak of this again), is that the only reason I ever gave NH my number is because I was
positive he would call me. I don't usually admit that sort of thing, but I am admitting it. Because it's what has thrown me for a loop - not a loop in the sense of "oh my god he's not interested" but a loop in the sense of "oh my god I was wrong again". I was sure he would call. I never would have been so bold if I thought I would get shot down. But the instant the overture came out of my mouth, I could see by the look on his face that I was coming out of left field. Perhaps I am not so great with people after all. Maybe what I think are my great abilities to read people is actually just wishful thinking.
I have been a hermit for August. I'm underground. Partly this is because I have a lot of work to do in my physical & mental realms to steel myself for what is an important year at school. But part of it is that I've got nothing. Inane small talk drives me nuts. I feel like a drifter, just sort of here but not really up to much. Not the most scintillating company. I'm in limbo, waiting for the action to start. This is a big and bad pattern i have, waiting instead of doing. I make an effort at times to engage myself and sometimes it pays off. Sometimes it does not. And I still feel like I require an inordinate amount of time to myself, which seems scarce even when it is plentiful.
Single and 30. Technically speaking, according to some "normalcy scale", I'm an Old Maid. I am not obssessed with this thought (generally). I am aware of it. There are no platitudes that change that fact.
I'm not saying all hope is lost. I know one has to "get out there". I am not seeking fulfillment from a relationship. I have spent the last 12 months making a very concerted effort to fulfill myself. For the most part, I have been quite successful. I walk straighter, my head is higher, I know that I will be okay. But as I have mentioned previously, I am not sure how to milk the satisfaction of being single so that I never wish there was a broad set of shoulders to share things with. Share a beer, share a conversation, share a walk in the park.
I always assumed I would have kids. I remember some vague point in my youth, thinking that I would start having kids when I was 26. I thought that was holding out. My 26th year was so far removed from childbearing, it's a wonder i didn't get struck by lightning. But I weathered it, and thank god I didn't stick to my timeline.
But I can see how all of a sudden people wake up and they're 40 and they're like "uh, what happened here?". It's already happening to me...
In your teens & twenties, you are surrounded by people that are in the same boat. Braces, breakups, exams, shitty jobs, shittier apartments... but then the great divide shows up. Some of the people in your boat find a mate, have some kids, move to the country. Your worlds become light years apart. Of course there are friendships that last for life and weather the changes, but
it's easy to see how people start to feel misunderstood.
I've been craving the country. When I first moved back here five years ago, I went down to Chester for an island party. After the sun went down, a few of us had a little spliff and then went down to the beach, away from the main party. We just lay there on our backs in the sand. There was no concern about babysitters, we just listened to the guitars, breathed in the salty air and watched the sky. It was a black sky and the stars seemed to reach the water's edge. I always forget how intense the stars are when you are not in the city. They are awesome. I want to lie on my back in the sand and look at them again.
This has turned into a non-directional word vomit and I have errands to run, a job to get to and a party to attend. I just wish it was a party filled with people that i could relate to. Oh well, good times are what you make of them I suppose.