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Shot of Love: August 2005

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Progress

It took 21 CDR's to get all my crap off the computer. At last, it is done. I hope I didn't forget anything.

Student Loan money is officially spent, I finally picked up the Howlin' Wolf CD that has been waiting about a month for me down at Sam's. So far it is awesome.

I was gonna hit the beach today with Mo, but the weather had other plans for us.

On Friday there will be a car waiting for me at Avis. Now I just have to decide where to go...

Holiday

Yes, I think I am going to take a little holiday.

I'm gonna get me a set of wheels for the weekend if i can, and i just could end up in moncton. But i'm gettin' outta town somehow.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

It's Very Late

I must say, I am a little bummed that the music and the internet are not on the same computer.
It's pretty late (3:03 am) and I must say, I like drinking in the summer. Like Jes said, house parties are much better than bars.

On the way for McBurgers, I fell down in the parking lot and skinned my knee pretty bad. It sort of hurts and is pretty dirty & bleeding gross, but i can't be bothered to deal with it. The thought of even putting anything on it makes me cringe, so i will "let it air".

There was a brief period of good dancing.

I drank the gin I took and sort of wished i had taken just a little more.

To neighborhood hottie, who i ran into about 20 minutes after my morning post, STOP FLIRTING WITH ME IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO OUT. STOP IT!!

Thank you.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Out of Touch

Final mark in Econ: C-
Not so hot, but done is done and passed is not failed so I am ok. I needed a 67 on the final in order to have my midterm mark ignored. I made a 65.5 on the final. Figures. In any case, this is behind me and that is all that matters.

Sold a couple of books for a little coin, which is awesome.

Last night I ate at Bearly's with Rachael - we haven't seen each other since the end of July when we were in the Cove. It was fun and the food was (of course) deeeelish. Then we headed up to stage 9 for a cocktail; Hurtin' Unit Dan had mentioned that he & Tamara were having a little shindig - a goodbye party - I didn't know they were going anywhere. I appreciated the invite and figured the least I could do would be to stop by for a drink on a lovely summer eve. We didn't stay long, just a swiftie, but it was a nice night and the gin was tasty.

Rob is having a party tonight for all the ASS people. It's the 3rd one of the summer. I was at the first one, skipped the second one, and have sort of roped myself into going to this one, although I'm not really that into it. Apparently I'll be chaperoning a 50+ year old co-worker who by her own admission doesn't "drink or smoke pot, but i really need to socialize". I hope she is not planning to crash here, because I was really only planning to put in an appearance (and hadn't even fully made up my mind about that).

Neighborhood Hottie is great eye candy and I don't mind when he comes into the store because I have a few minutes of superficial bliss but whenever I run into him "on the street", my heart starts to thumping in my throat and I have the sudden urge to study the pavement cracks or ceiling tiles... after running into him in Larry's kitchen last week I felt like a junior high kid, and last night when he walked by us as we noshed on Barrington, I knew it was him before I saw his face and he seemed to walk by in slow motion, his usual friendly & smiling self full of good wishes. Me just full of bashful embarrassment. It is just a mundane crush, going nowhere and I know it. But he does make my knees quiver. Yes, even when I am sitting down.

I've always been good with people. This is kind of weird, given that I am prone to some pretty intense social anxiety. But generally speaking, I can disarm the assholes and find common ground with people. I've been a firm believer in instinct and chemistry for a long long time. In grade 8, I rated DT 9/10 on looks & personality even though I had only seen him from a distance and spoken to him never. When we finally locked lips three years later, imagine my surprise when those grade 8 ratings held up and we became an item.

I had a tough time (understatement of the modern world) dealing with the demise of my last relationship. My ego suffered one too many blows and my self reliance was extinguished. I picked apart every conversation and encounter to examine how I could have been so wrong. In hindsight I am full of wisdom. I like to think that in similar circumstances today, I would choose a different path.

The one thing I have not learned from that (or maybe not accepted) is the whole issue of trusting my own judgment about people. Or perhaps, maybe, my ability to accurately assess my interactions with people. I have always taken my gut feelings for granted and at par. I believe that's what got me into trouble last time; not admitting I may have been a little off the mark (even today I am still not sure that I was). But if I was, how do I plunder on with any sense of trust about my gut feelings? It seems like my gut is somewhat off the mark.

What I am trying to say here (even though I said I would not speak of this again), is that the only reason I ever gave NH my number is because I was positive he would call me. I don't usually admit that sort of thing, but I am admitting it. Because it's what has thrown me for a loop - not a loop in the sense of "oh my god he's not interested" but a loop in the sense of "oh my god I was wrong again". I was sure he would call. I never would have been so bold if I thought I would get shot down. But the instant the overture came out of my mouth, I could see by the look on his face that I was coming out of left field. Perhaps I am not so great with people after all. Maybe what I think are my great abilities to read people is actually just wishful thinking.

I have been a hermit for August. I'm underground. Partly this is because I have a lot of work to do in my physical & mental realms to steel myself for what is an important year at school. But part of it is that I've got nothing. Inane small talk drives me nuts. I feel like a drifter, just sort of here but not really up to much. Not the most scintillating company. I'm in limbo, waiting for the action to start. This is a big and bad pattern i have, waiting instead of doing. I make an effort at times to engage myself and sometimes it pays off. Sometimes it does not. And I still feel like I require an inordinate amount of time to myself, which seems scarce even when it is plentiful.

Single and 30. Technically speaking, according to some "normalcy scale", I'm an Old Maid. I am not obssessed with this thought (generally). I am aware of it. There are no platitudes that change that fact.

I'm not saying all hope is lost. I know one has to "get out there". I am not seeking fulfillment from a relationship. I have spent the last 12 months making a very concerted effort to fulfill myself. For the most part, I have been quite successful. I walk straighter, my head is higher, I know that I will be okay. But as I have mentioned previously, I am not sure how to milk the satisfaction of being single so that I never wish there was a broad set of shoulders to share things with. Share a beer, share a conversation, share a walk in the park.

I always assumed I would have kids. I remember some vague point in my youth, thinking that I would start having kids when I was 26. I thought that was holding out. My 26th year was so far removed from childbearing, it's a wonder i didn't get struck by lightning. But I weathered it, and thank god I didn't stick to my timeline.

But I can see how all of a sudden people wake up and they're 40 and they're like "uh, what happened here?". It's already happening to me...

In your teens & twenties, you are surrounded by people that are in the same boat. Braces, breakups, exams, shitty jobs, shittier apartments... but then the great divide shows up. Some of the people in your boat find a mate, have some kids, move to the country. Your worlds become light years apart. Of course there are friendships that last for life and weather the changes, but
it's easy to see how people start to feel misunderstood.

I've been craving the country. When I first moved back here five years ago, I went down to Chester for an island party. After the sun went down, a few of us had a little spliff and then went down to the beach, away from the main party. We just lay there on our backs in the sand. There was no concern about babysitters, we just listened to the guitars, breathed in the salty air and watched the sky. It was a black sky and the stars seemed to reach the water's edge. I always forget how intense the stars are when you are not in the city. They are awesome. I want to lie on my back in the sand and look at them again.

This has turned into a non-directional word vomit and I have errands to run, a job to get to and a party to attend. I just wish it was a party filled with people that i could relate to. Oh well, good times are what you make of them I suppose.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Get The Party Started

I just want school to start. I need structure and purpose. I have been spending the past few days trying to get organized, like really organized so that I will be a stellar student. Still no mark back from the Macro class, it's driving me crazy.

Got the finances in order yesterday and paid Dal & The Landlord. Going to get books tomorrow, all good to go.

Started the massive file transfer from the old computer to the laptop. So far I have used 6 CDRs, I think I will use about 3 more before I have finished the dump. Then I can get rid of this old space hog on my desk.

Finally sold one of the Stones tickets. I'm practically willing to give the second one away, I have no desire at all to go anymore and don't feel sad about parting with the tickets.

I keep forgetting Gabe is on his way here. I think they arrive the 29th so I will be seeing him next week sometime. I am excited.

It's a beautiful sunny day today, which means I have to work all afternoon. My first shift "on the desk", unaided and flying blind. Should be interesting. I have a feeling that a Guinness is going to be pretty sweet at 6:05pm.

I can't believe it is the end of August already. Summer has been one size large non-event with zero (count 'em zero) trips to the beach. Crap.

Not complaining though, because this is my favourite time of year - cool nights, wild wind, good smells.

I booked basically an entire week off work due to the Stones & "back to school". I wonder what I will do to fill all that non-moneymaking time. I wish there was somewhere to go.

Now, however, there is somewhere to go. Don't worry, ASS, I'm on my way!!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

UGLY

I think ugly just about sums up my state of mind. I've been trying to keep it at bay, on the down low, in the recesses, but it's just there. Loneliness. Not loneliness as in lack of people to be around, just.... lonely.

Too intangible and self-pityful to explain with any great eloquence. It's like wearing shackles.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Do or Die

Well, it's time to head up to school and have my brains shredded by macroeconomics.

I've been priming them all day, supplying them with fresh healthy food, toxic disgusting cigarettes, witty banter with pals and last minute desperation.

I am drastically underprepared. I need to do well. Am I ever going to learn this lesson?

This stuff isn't actually that hard, it's just so circuitous. If I had been a dedicated student since July, I don't think I would have any trouble with it today. Of course, as the case may be, I haven't been a dedicated student since July; i think it would be safe to say I have in fact NOT BEEN a dedicated student.

And so it goes.

Now Hear This

You can participate in an MIT study on music by clicking on this link:

http://music.media.mit.edu/


*note, it plays sounds you have to respond to so it might not be a good idea to do at work.

Hey Hey My My - Things I've Learned

There's this game that I love to play when I am home alone listening to the mp3 collection on random.

I like to identify the song within the first few bars of music. If i do say so myself, i'm surprisingly good at it. There's a lot of music on my computer that i am not really that familiar with; i download things to check them out, or get songs from my pals, or drunken freaks download stuff when I am not loooking...you know how it goes.

Anyway, i get really excited by the fact that i can recognize an artist by their style rather than by recognizing a song. I've been developing this skill slowly over several years since returning to the coast. I remember when i lived in Winnipeg, probably sometime in 1998, talking about music with a friend of mine. She said that she felt music but her boyfriend listened to music with a far more technical ear. Her boyfriend was a total music geek who owned an awesome used record store in Osborne Village. Anyway. I was definitely in her camp, I thought that technical listening detracted from the actual experience.

Oh, what a fool was I!!!!!!

I had no idea, NONE about the depth that the technical ear actually had. Woah. What a life-changing experience to develop one.

Work tonight was awesome. It was laid back and not intense, good peeps were working, good peeps got my back. Glad that work is not a stressor anymore. Let's hope it lasts.

Completely cocked up the day studying-wise. I slept in and things went downhill from there. I am off to la la land now, up at daybreak and nose-deep in the muck until 5pm. Oh god I still have a lot to learn....

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Hey Y'all

Check out this totally pro video by my cousin's boyfriend, Haligonaian - SPESH K.

Request it by emailing ondemand@muchmusic.ca

Word.

Me & My Mood Swings

The weekend involved such a spike in drinking (far more than I am currently used to), the days sort of all blurred together there and I kinda lost track of time.

So today is Tuesday, school day. LAST CLASS BEFORE THE FINAL. I am not panicking. Not. Panicking.

Last night after work I was (a) starving and (b) exhausted. I was downloading some cheeeesy movies. It looked like Mean Girls was going to be the top finisher. I planned to eat and possibly shower, then settle in for some pulp fiction and slumber early.

At any rate, I woke up "this morning" (almost noon) feeling like total crap again... my head ached and i still felt tired. I had stayed up really late and watched Mean Girls anyway after Jeremiah left, but this morning I decided to watch Meet the Fockers before I even started the day. I made a pot of coffee and settled in. It was funny.

So then it was down to business. That is the international business of inflation, capital inflows & outflows, tariffs & quotas. Oh this is thrilling subject matter I am learning. The sun beckoned from the parking lot, and I packed a bag and headed for the park. I can't help it, I just have to be outside when the weather is so awesome. I feel like a rechargeable battery getting all juiced up when i am out there.

In any case, I got a couple of good hours in at the park and headed home to get ready for school. I noticed that my head wasn't hurting anymore. I was pumped for class. Had a shower, hit the road. Class was good. I don't feel the least bit confident at my ability to pull this off, but all hope is not lost. I feel good, and am going to work my ass off for the next two days. I even wrote out a study schedule. I plan to stick to it. I'll be setting the alarm when I go to sleep tonight.

Amazing, how in the course of a week or so my mood can go from deathly to inspired. I'm still trying so hard to even it out a little. When things are good and there is clarity (as in now; despite my rage at the intrusion of J), it is hard to believe that a week ago I was tied up in knots and skittish, convinced that every breath could be my last.

I have a lot of flakey theories about the ups and downs. Some include the moon and the sun. Others involve the tonic of music and the catharsis of rock n' roll. I don't think they're unfounded. But I know I have something in me that i can draw from to keep me up. It's purpose and determination, and when i get a taste of it, i feel like dancing.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Party Girl Concedes to Age

Cuff the Duke blew my mind. I can't wait for them to come back to town.

The whole night was great - sitting on the patio with double g&t's, running into old friends & familiar faces. The music, I don't have words to describe.

Dana wanted to have a nightcap, and then another nightcap (after pizza corner) and then it was 5am. After we got up around noon thirty yesterday, he took me out to breakfast at the Med. It was fun to hang out with him again. Except that my nemesis is his favorite topic of conversation.

Yesterday i was as useful as a pile of sawdust. Now this morning, I feel about the same although I have acquired throughout the night some monstrous bags under my heavy-lidded eyes. It's going to be a long day at the office.

Since the rock n' roll pre-empted me even cracking open a book yesterday, I have a lot of work to do between now and Thursday. Consider me disappeared.

It'll be O.K.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Giddy

It's Saturday morning. Pissing rain. Dark skies.

But I am feeling GREAT!!!

I am so excited to see Cuff the Duke tonight, I can barely contain myself. I hope the afternoon at work zooms by.

Save me a spot at the front, kids!!

Friday, August 12, 2005

MUSIC

You can listen to Cuff the Duke's entire new album at their website. It's as easy as click and play, and I'm going to buy it next payday.

The show is going to ROCK!!!!

http://www.cufftheduke.com

Rock Me Roll Me

Tomorrow (Sat. Aug 13) is CUFF THE DUKE at Stage 9. These guys have been getting lots of press lately. I haven't heard their new album, but I believe that it is awesome.

Buck has rescheduled his Hfx. record release. That's on Wednesday September 21st at The Marquee. Oh boy, I can't wait for this one!!!

I keep forgetting that Sam's called to tell my my Howlin' Wolf CD is in. I really should get on that.

I'm failing economics in a blaze of Y* equations. Ya!

At least it's Friday. Oh wait, Fridays are meaningless to me.

Going to work makes me a little nervous these days, because I am afraid to see El Guapo Del Barrio.

I should be more nervous about this not-even-finished assignment I am handing in in 2 hours. Oh, internet....sweet sweet procrastination.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Outrage

My employer, The Atlantic Superstore (more appropriately referred to as the ASS), has decreed that we, the cashiers, may no longer have the privilege of drinking water while we are working at the registers.

No water.

In a 5.5 hour shift, we get one 15-minute break which usually occurs around the 2 hour mark. For the rest of that time, we get...

No water.

Why? You may be wondering. I will tell you why:

To protect the employees.

Pardon me? Does water have some toxic properties I was not aware of?

No no - water itself is harmless (some might even argue it is vital for life).

But you see, as cashiers, our hands come into contact with meat & fish, not to mention dirty dirty money.

The ASS is worried that we will pick up our water bottles with our slimy meat covered, money germed hands (as we have been doing for years), and transfer all that gooey dirt right into our mouths!! We could get sick!!!

Is this news? Aren't I just as likely (or dare I say more likely) to get those germs into my mouth when I pop a tictac in my mouth? Or when I scratch my face etc. etc.??

Is drinking water really actually a privilege?

Does it matter that in the course of that 5.5 hour shift, I have to talk to hundreds of people and sometimes a nice slug of water really eases the throat?

I have been known to drink almost 3L of water during a shift before. It's dry in there. We get thirsty.

I have no point here, except that I cannot actually believe somebody has put this policy into place. I hope Shoppers is hiring.

Too Much of Nothin'

Things have been a little all-over-the-map for me the past week or so, I sort of derailed a bit and am just starting to get myself sorted out for the millionth time.

In one week I write my macro final, which I am not looking forward to in the least. Well, that's not entirely true. I am sort of looking forward to it because I want this class to be DONE. I am so psyched for my classes in September that this freakin' nightmare of economics is clouding my enthusiasm for education.

I've been suffering from panic attacks, of the mild and crazily intense variety for the past weekish. It's completely freaky and very very scary. But in a way, it is good, as it reminds me of the power i have to overcome them. So i have been making a conscious effort to be real, and as my pal Heather would say, "pozzy".

I'm thinking I'm going to bail on Mick and the boys. My partner in rock and roll crime can't make it and although I have backups that are willing to take her place, let's face it - she can't be replaced that easily. And they just announced that they will sell 10,000 more tickets... i have to admit, that a crowd that large is not that appealing to can't-party-like-i-used-to me.

Today is filled with economics. Filled to the brim and overflowing. I got up early this morning, did some dishes, read the news and am about to crack the books. Wish me luck. Lord knows I need it.

I'm still pretty devastated about my psychotic meltdown with my folks. I've spent a lot of time wondering how and why these things occur. The bottom line is that i love my parents endlessly, and i miss them a whole lot.

It baffles me that while it is only 10:09 am on payday, I am already broke until next week. There are ways that i can be more responsible with money so for peace of mind and the sake of emotional maturity (not my strong suit), I'm really going to try to live well within my means.

I started taking work too seriously, allowing politics and attitudes that are everywhere in that place to get the better of me, completely flying in the face of the reason that i love my job - low stress, no pressure, dirtbag easy. All those things still apply, and i have to embrace them because overall i've got a pretty good thing going on there.

OK well, I got nothin' here, so that means it's time to examine reserve-deposit ratios and risk premiums and central banking policies. Now that's the stuff of life!!!